Care, less

Lead Like You're Retired #5: Why You Should Care Less.

NOT careless. Care, less. This is the latest thing I’ve learned in retirement that I wish I knew when I was younger.

Yes, I’m telling myself to care less, and I’m asking some of you to consider doing that as well.

Wait, what? You want leaders to care LESS?! That’s crazy. Some of the leaders I’ve had in my career couldn’t care less if they tried. Sure, they care a lot about themselves and their careers, but genuinely care about me or anyone else? Nope. Big nope.

I feel you. I’ve been there. Heck, from time to time, if I’m completely honest, I have been that leader that is careless. Some of those times wake me up at night. Others didn’t register with me but probably stuck with the person on the receiving end. Careless causes pain.

This isn’t a lesson for everyone. It’s for selfless leaders that deeply care about doing their job with a commitment to serving others, putting themselves at the end of the line, and leading toward the best outcomes for all stakeholders.

Believe it or not, those leaders exist. I’ve seen them in action. Some are executives. More are middle managers toiling away in relative obscurity. Nonprofit leaders who do so much with so little. Parents. Caregivers. Individuals that care desperately about making good on their promises and inspiring people around them with their positivity and commitment to doing excellent work regardless of whether someone is watching or not. If that’s you, read on.

As I wrote in Practically Positive, if you have taken on the responsibility to look out for others, you’re a leader. And selflessly looking out for another human you feel responsible for is amazing, worthwhile, desperately important work. And it’s exhausting.

Maybe people have been saying this for generations, but to me it feels like the need has never been greater for leaders that genuinely and completely care about those they serve.

I recently had a conversation with a friend that introduced me to VUCA - an acronym for Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity, and Ambiguity. The term was first coined by the U.S. Army War College to describe the modern world's unpredictable and chaotic environment.

Am I crazy or do we live in a time of intense VUCA? Volatility and uncertainty are certainly at an all-time high in my lifetime. Complexity and ambiguity swirl around every important decision.

It feels like the people in need are growing much faster than there are caregivers to look out for them. That’s particularly intense in the nonprofit world right now. It’s deeply felt across many organizations. Our anchors, real or imagined, are gone. It’s easy to feel adrift, helpless, alone.

Great leaders step into that void time and again. They put aside their own angst to inspire others. They inject a sense of calm and order. They care a lot, and often they care too much.

In retirement, I’m not consumed by one full-time job. I’m a step removed from the day-to-day grind. Not living it every waking moment has given me more perspective and has led me to reflect on whether it’s possible to care too much.

The most obvious result of caring too much is burnout. We saw too much of this during the Covid years when our caregivers ran out of give. Post-Covid, our leaders continue to struggle. The illusion was that the storm had passed and now things will get back to normal. But the trauma sapped our resources, financially and emotionally. And the new normal isn’t anything like the old one.

I retired before Ai erupted. The complexity and ambiguity of Ai can be like having a monkey on your back chattering away day and night – DO something or you’ll fall behind, but DON’T do anything unfair, unethical, expensive, or inhuman.

I retired just as the damage of smart phones and social media addiction was coming to light. Finding colleagues with a healthy sense of self and a desire to serve others was difficult before and it gets more difficult with every passing day. Honestly, we could use more a lot more people that care less about their profile and more about helping others and delivering excellence.

The age of information on steroids means oceans of information, downpours of opinions, washing over us like a typhoon that never ends. Misinformation is stated as fact with references and accompanied by raging opinions completely focused on their issue, but without a care in the world about the person other side.

It used to be that we needed to care about information. It was scarce, sources were believed, we needed to carefully consider each nugget. Now we need to let that river flow around us – and be judicious about what we scoop up and consume. Care more about what you consume and less about missing out.

I’m getting burned out just thinking about this. Obsessing about the future keeps us from having the energy for the here and now. But what do I do when my tank is empty?

A friend told me about a tool that helps with VUCA. It’s a system for taking care of yourself so that you can be there for others and stave off burnout. SAVER is Silence, Affirmation (or Appreciation), Visualization, Exercise, and Reading (or Writing). Ensuring I get even a small dose of SAVER every day is like a multi-vitamin for my mental health.

Over the last six months, I’ve needed to worry about my tank because my stress has been uncomfortably high. Yes, I’m retired, but I’ve taken on additional responsibilities because I believe they are worthwhile. I’ve been challenged to heed my own advice about caring less. I care a lot because these opportunities are important to me. Sometimes I care too much.

I’ve learned that in stressful moments, I need to make sure I care less. Caring less for my own sanity has helped me realize that it’s also good for those around me. When I care too much, I demand too much of others. I dig into things that don’t need to be dug into. I create stress for those around me instead of being an oasis of inspiration and calm.

Reflecting back on the damage I may have done by caring too much has helped me realize that one important job of a leader is to figure out what to really care about.

We can’t care too much about everything. Figuring out what we really need to care about isn’t as easy as it sounds. Prioritization is important but sometimes prioritizing means ending up with five top priorities. How do we get clarity about what is really worth caring about?

If you’re happily married, think about how you’ve handled that. Looking back on 30 years of marriage, I know that my wife has been right 99.9% of the time. Even when she’s not. I think a happy marriage relies on each partner to be good at figuring out when to really push and what to not care about.

Relationships get difficult when we care too much about something that’s not worth caring about. But we can’t let everything go and still be a courageous and caring partner. That’s not easy – there needs to be a healthy tension.

I think my batting average has been pretty good. The ones I missed keep me up at night. I got there by instinct. I know I would’ve been better if someone took me aside early in my marriage and told me to be thoughtful about what’s worth fighting about. I would tell a newlywed that there are probably going to be less than ten things in your marriage that are really worth fighting about. Be on the lookout for the ones that matter and let the others go.

So, care less, save yourself, and be better for those around you. And don’t worry, if you got to end of this post, you care about the right things 😊